InsaneJournal

I haven't been able to put anything that's happened into words. Everything had been happening so fast, and now it feels like things have come screeching to a standstill. It's been less than a month since we've lost Dedalus and Tibby's mum and Meg and Elsie's husband, and hell, who knows who else has dotted off the radar that we just don't know about. This isn't the natural order of things. There's not supposed to be this much death.

...I don't think I can do this pretending Mary is dead thing. At least, not the public mourning and wailing over it. Especially not after last week, it makes me really really uncomfortable. It'd essentially be doing the same thing to other people that Marius did to us, letting people think that she's dead when we know she's still alive. We've all lost so many good people, and we're going to keep losing more good people. I don't want to be responsible for making anyone else potentially hurt like that. This isn't just a stupid game where you can call time out and then jump back in when you feel like it.

We all barely escaped with our lives from the Godric's Hollow house, and it makes me wonder HOW we all managed to get out of there when they're picking people off one by one. I'm finally sleeping somewhat normally again after that, and it's honestly probably just because I'm exhausted, not because I'm not terrified of getting woken up in the middle of an attack. I don't know what to think about these so-called reformations and apologies for wrongdoings and crap, especially coming so soon after we were attacked. I know it's a big joke to them. I just don't UNDERSTAND how in Merlin's name people are dumb enough to actually buy into it and believe it. They're not going to change, at least not for the better.

I dunno. I guess I'm getting frustrated that right now, it feels like they've already won the war, and we're trying to start a new one to take things back over. But we're not actively doing much, just lots of preparation, which we NEED, but the longer we sit back and prepare, the longer they have to solidify what they've changed. I joined the Order to try to help, not to have a new batch of people around to tell me when and what I've screwed up. I know I've screwed things up; if I hadn't, I'd still have parents around to tell me so. I'm only nineteen. A lot of the time it feels like I'm not going to make it to twenty. I don't want to spend the rest of forever hiding and walking on eggshells because if we do that, they've already won. I didn't sign up to hide. I signed up to fight back, and if I have to do that on my own time, then that's what I think I need to do. I don't want to lose anyone else because I was busy hiding under a rock, and I'm sick of getting my arse kicked every time they try to mess with us. I want them to be afraid of me for once, because for the first time in almost a year, I don't think I'm scared anymore.

Hey Matilda, I am so so so sorry I kinda flaked out on you last week, I had some really really bad stuff happen but it's alright now. Thank you so much for asking your friend about the radio stuff, and we should definitely have lunch. Let me know what day's good for you.

Hey guys, I know James's birthday is right around the corner, but I think it'd be pretty cool if we all got to do something belated for Remus's, since his was not any of our's best days ever. We can go out somewhere small and muggle and get a pizza and just be kids for a night again. Lil, do you think you'll be okay to get off bedrest by Tuesday night?